13 Ways That You May Be Drinking Your Beer The Wrong Way

Writer's note: I personally do NOT promote or condone the use of alcohol in any form. Or the end-results of abuse of alcohol in any form. Nor do I promote any commercial brand of alcohol--domestic or imported as well as any automobile, college football team, or merchandise suited for retail purchasing. Thank you, Kenneth

You should also be aware that the black and white vintage photos of men and women consuming beer, whiskey and vodka, are not as silly and down-right stupid as the modern photos of people abusing themselves by abusing alcohol. Go figure.

Sadly, I used to drink beer. At first, moderately for I loved the taste. But found out, thanks to my now ex-bud's, that abusing alcohol meant getting so buzzed that a Copperhead snake could have bitten me several times and I wouldn't have died, but the reptile would have crawled away happy but not crawling in a straight line.

For every time I had one of "those" times that a massive headache reminds you of the moment you awake the next morning, I paid a price. Either a lot of unwanted friction from my wife or I was physically sick for a couple of days. And during a complete blow-out with my buddies, I would forget the many times I had said, "No more of this for me," during a recent hang-over. Men for some reason, have this built-in mechanism to instantly-forget events, names, phone numbers and information of any type without any trouble.

What is funny to me was in "my" drinking days, I actually thought within myself that I was merging with the "cool crowd," by downing as much beer as humanly possible. Finish one. Open one in near-perfect timing not even giving the previous beer time to do its stuff to me. Finally I was being accepted by a group of people who are always respected and their word is honored. Now that felt good.

In All Fairness to The Beer Lovers Who Do Not Know How to Drink Beer Correctly,

• I plan on writing a Special Hub dedicated to "these" good-hearted individuals and lay it out in plain terms on

How to Drink Your Beer Safely and Correctly.

Thank you so much.

Kenneth

As my story nears its end, it was not until the end that I realized that all that time, 11 years to be exact, I was consuming beer and other alcoholic-beverages incorrectly, in error, without any sign of mastering the drinking at all.

So to help other drinker wannabe's, step-up to the bar and learn . . .

13 Ways That You May Be Drinking Your Beer The Wrong Way

1. At college, you and your fraternity bros get invited to a wild beerfest. But you show-up hours before the blow-out to get a headstart on the drunken gathering. And when the party is history, you are the one who the sober partiers (if any) have to haul your butt outside to let someone take you home.
2. You are always the drinker who instigates "Chug-a-Lug Contests," and most of the time, you win hands down.
3. Actually, you have had plenty of practice at playing the "Chug-a-Lug Game," for you load your front car seat (with beer) on some Saturday nights and challenge yourself to see who can drink the most.
4. And at times when you need attention, you yell at others who are trying to party moderately, "Hey, watch me stand here and drink a half-case--one bottle after the other without puking or passing out."
5. When you are in an angry, defiant mood, you say, "Hey, pansies! I dare you to pour as much beer down my throat as you desire and I will bet you a hundred bucks that you cannot make me drunk." If you are so good at this game, why is it the next day (when you get out of the hospital) you are on the phone to your mom to "borrow" more money?
6. You are so deceived that you are a smooth beer-drinker, you listen to your pranking bud's who get you to change your name from "Tony Garza," to "Oliver Old Milwaukee."
7. One sure-sign that you are drinking your beer incorrectly is that when you drink alone, with a friend, or at a big party, when the music starts, you are the first to pop a top or twist a top from a bottle. No one can beat you. You, my friend, are the "fastest guzzler in town."
8. Even when a hot girl wants you to listen to her problems, you tell her, "I will be back. I need to bring myself a six-pack or two." Notice that you never asked if she wanted anything to drink?
9. You are an incorrect beer drinker because you are ignorant of the terms: "Sipping" and "Moderately," when it comes to downing beer.
10. When you start to wash your hair in beer, you get wasted before you get started.
11. You are such an incorrect beer drinker, you convince the package store owner, an old college friend, to give you two cases of beer on credit and he does. But you do not wait until you can put the beer on ice. You drink most of it hot on the way home.
12. At your grandma's 80th birthday party, you almost lose it when you are served water during the meal.
13. Financially, you are in trouble when you mortgage your home to install a swimming pool and fill it with numerous cases of beer to make swimming more pleasurable.

Let's look a ways into the future. You are now older and miraculously, wiser. One day you find yourself sitting by the fireplace reflecting back on your days of "wild times" and having a big time funneling-down, guzzling and spilling a lot of beer on yourself. Now you are terribly sad.

What's making you sad is this one thought: Just what if you had in your hand right now, every dollar you had ever spent on the alcohol you drank incorrectly. You would be a very wealthy man. And you are also sad because I wasn't around in the days when you loved "the suds," and I didn't step-up to write a hub like this.

Seriously, if I am talking to someone like this, and you do just have to have alcohol, keep it at home and not on the highway. Please have a safe night.