Bad Halloween Costumes For You NOT To Wear In 2011

Hi. Some people use these phrases (we have heard and heard again) concerning the arrival of Halloween: Just around the corner; Just over the next hill; In a few today's; Only a few tomorrow's; and be patient. Halloween will be here before we know it. I chose this year to just just use a simple term, "soon," Halloween will be here. That sounds good, right?

You will remember last year's Halloween 2010s Halloween fiasco when you chose to be creative, think out of the box, be novel and wear what you thought would be an unusual costume. Yeah, it was that alright. Novel. Your 'novel' costume gave off the vibe that you really didn't know what you were doing. Or thinking. When you went to Toys R Us to purchase your costume, and then on the way home, you had, again, what you thought was an original thought. Idea. Different spin on Halloween. When you decided to take your ready-made costume from Toys R Us, sneak into the basement and take a perfectly-good Dracula costume and add to it a few 'scary' looks, and take away a few factory-ideas to make YOU, the talk of the Halloween party. Yeah, you succeeded. People DID talk about you alright. While they laughed at you most of the night.

May I ask you, "What made you want to redesign your wonderful Dracula costume and make it into an Autolite spark plug? With fangs? I give you credit. It was original. But not too many Autolite spark plugs attack pretty girls after dark and turn them into spark plugs like vampires are famous for doing. Sorry, pal. This idea, as you soon found out, didn't work. Even your mother, who doesn't go in for Halloween, told you, "with a costume like that, you should just stay home," for she, inside her heart, didn't want to see her 25-year-old boy made fun of on the way and while in attendance of his friend's yearly Halloween bash. But you simply didn't listen to the advice of a retired lady who suffered agony to give birth to you. Noooo, you wanted to 'buck the system,' and make a name for yourself. This, my friend, you did. Some of your friends now call you, "Two Bricks Shy of A Load," "Not So Bright," and "Hard of Learning," to name a few. But it's a year later now. Those hurtful nicknames are forgotten. Why not keep it that way by not wearing a "Bad Halloween Costume for 2011?"

Go to town. Weeks before Halloween, like it is now. Take your time. And take books on "real" creative Halloween costumes with you as you shop, and this year, you can make a wise choice in Halloween costumes. Do not do like you did last year and 'go off the track,' and bring embarrassment on you and your friends by wearing some monstrosity that you call a Halloween costume. I hate to use 'tough love,' but I despise seeing a fellow human being be made fun of, laughed at (not with), and become the subject of "What Dumg Things People Do," talks retired guys have in local coffee houses and barber shops.

That is why I am offering, just offering, (you can wear what you want to this Halloween) a list of Bad Halloween Costumes NOT To Wear In 2011. So do NOT GO with your children trick or treating or to ANY Halloween Parties as . . .

A SNAKE - of any type. FACT: Females will scream and beat erratically, anything that looks like a snake, and besides this is NOT a great idea, so leave off any costume that resembles a snake or any serpent for that matter.

A FOOD PRODUCT - it doesn't matter if it's a hot dog and bun, a cantaloupe, giant bowl of spaghetti or even that ignorant Halloween costume worn by Ralph Machio in the first Karate Kid movie. Remember that? He went as a shower? Please. Do not resort to food or home wares to get attention. Just go as Elmer Fudd, but no shotgun. I hate guns. So do the cops. Wouldn't you hate to have your mom, wife, or older brother (who torments you), to bail you out of jail on Halloween?

FARM ANIMAL - is a sure target to nominate you as the "butt of bad jokes," and get laughed at. If you go to church with anyone at this Halloween party, and you do go as a farm animal or any outlandish costume, I promise you, no matter how Christian your friends are, they will snicker or even laugh at you on Sunday morning. Please be sensible this year. And also do your preaher a grand favor. Wear an intelligent costume. For if you do not, your friends in church will laugh at you and point at you during worship and cause your preacher to be distracted. He will not appreciate this. At all. Since he was there at the Halloween party dressed in an accepted costume as Moses.

A FOOTBALL - baseball, or any ball used in athletic event. Some at this party might even kick you for fun and to impress their girlfriends. Or worse. Say, "Hey, sweetie, watch me 'knock this one out of the park,' and hit you with the handle of a kitchen broom as a Louisville Slugger bat. Do not ask for trouble. And you will not invite trouble to go with you to this Halloween party if you listen to sound advice. The advice that I am giving you right now. Wear a costume that people will admire, smile about, but not use as a way to break the boredom at the party.

A FOREIGN TERRORIST - who belongs to Alquaeda. I beg of you. This is THE worst idea you could ever have. And be sober while thinking it up. If there are some red-blooded patriots at this Halloween party who loved the United States, well, do I have to spell it out for you? These guys and probably, some girls, may casually invite you to, "go outside with them and get some air," and this is where this advice should have been heeded. You are on your way to getting in big trouble. Our country has not forgotten 9-1-1, and probably never will. Just go to this Halloween party as Casper the Friendly Ghost. People might laugh at you, but doesn't that beat getting whipped by a dozen angry guys and girls who are out to 'teach you a lesson?"

A HORSE - this is not wise. If some at this Halloween party do not laugh at you, they will try to feed you ears of corn, put a saddle on you and take a ride. Some, God forbid, who have had "one too many," Scotch neat's, might bully you and want to play, "Bust The Bronco," with you as the bronco. If you are not a fighter, heed my advice.

A REDNECK - is not wise either. Some people who are in attendance at this Halloween party maybe bona fide, card-carrying rednecks and will be offended. You know what this means. More of the same treatment as I told you about if you went as a foreign terrorist. But do go as a redneck if you are trained as a master martial artist like the late Bruce Lee. That way, you can defend yourself, but if you are like yours truly, a non-violent man and fighter, go as something peaceful like an apple pie. Or Oak tree.

THE GOODYEAR BLIMP - I am telling you right now. People will turn your costume into a party game while throwing pieces of ice at you or even kitchen knives to see you explode and crash on the living room floor. Do not use this route of creativity. Go as Captain Kangaroo or even his sidekick, Mr. Moose. Please don't go as Mr. Green Jeans, for hardly anyone of the young generation(s) knew who Green Jeans was.

A D.E.A. AGENT - for, let's face it. Most police-related costumes are not well-received and there just might be a few people at this Halloween bash (depending on the host or hostess) who like to use drugs, and they will take an instant-dislike to you as you grin and show off your fake badge to convince friends that you are just "play-acting," like a D.E.A. agent. And going as a D.E.A. agent just might get you into trouble by those going as drug-users, but only in an imaginary way. These people might administer a "fake butt kicking," to you, but it might hurt as bad as the real thing. Be cool. Go as Lenny Kravitz, the popular singer. Maybe Dave Matthews. You cannot go wrong with these two guys.

You have my permission to print-out or copy this list of "Bad Costumes Not To Wear On Halloween 2011," if it means saving you or your friends from getting into trouble or be made a fool of by laughing friends. I am serious.

I wish you a very happy, safe, and memorable Halloween. And I have just had this brilliant brainstorm: Go to my profile page, look at my photo, copy my looks into a mask and . . .

GO AS ME! You might win a cash-prize if you do this.