How To Deal With Bad In-Laws

Please allow me to ask you a few serious questions. About your in-laws. These are touchy. Sensitive. And might put you in an awkward position. So answer with care.

Do you love your in-laws? Do you like your in-laws? Do you work to tolerate your in-laws? Most honest people will answer one of these three questions with a 'yes.' The question that you answer is your choice.

When I say in-laws, I refer to mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law and of course, the always-popular, brother-in-law. No family should be without them. What would be do without in-laws? Ever thought that deep? I have. And for the most part, my life would be quieter. Saner. And pretty-much the same as it is now.

When I asked if you loved your in-laws, I meant truly loving them. Not play-acting that you love them only when you are with them at birthday and anniversary parties. Plus Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of July.

Let's face it with an honest confession. Some, I say, some, in-laws are tough to love. Some in-laws need a dose of 'tough love.' And then there are those in-laws that, with every opportunity, for some reason that remains unknown, they tend to make your life miserable. Sheer torture. Painful. And sit and laugh while inflicting willful punishment on you because you are their prisoner. In their house. At their mercy. Ever been there? I am asking both, women and men.

I am not going to ask you to do something that I won't do myself. So I will, for your benefit, ask myself, "do I have good in-laws?" Yes. "Have any of my in-laws ever embarrassed me?" Yes. And "Has any of my in-laws ever drove me to anger?" Well, yeah. Did you think I was going to lie here?

Okay. Now for the next exciting phase of our talk about in-laws. Do you have a . . .

FATHER-IN-LAW who always, and him being a Godly man, mildly-insult you in front of your wife, his 'little girl'? Does he strongly imply that you are not making enough money at your job? And that his little "Sally Jo," should have married Jimmy Tom Taylor, the president of the Dental Club in high school? Well, does he?

MOTHER-IN-LAW who snaps at you for no reason? Then smiles when other family members enter the room. Does she scowl and sneer at you undetected by anyone, when you reach for the last pork chop? And does she always say, "wy' Sally Jo, guess who called you yesterday? It was that nice, good-looking gentleman you rode the school bus with, Jimmy Tom Taylor. He's a successful dentist nowadays." Well, does she?

BROTHER-IN-LAW who happens to be All-State Wrestling Champ and puts you in head-lock when you and your wife, his sister, visit him and her parents? Oh, does he go by the name, Lance "The Bull" Hancock? I figured as much. Does he, when asked to pass the hot biscuits at the family dining table, wink and actually 'passes' the biscuits to you in Tom Brady fashion? And laughs like a horse when you drop the hot biscuit? Well, does he?

SISTER-IN-LAW who always grabs your wife, her sister, and runs away to another room for a lengthy session of 'girl talk'? For hours? And when Julie Tiffany Hancock, her name, gets your wife, her sister, in front of people, Julie always, like clockwork, mentions all the eligible guys that your wife left behind? And tells all of these guys who are still available. While looking directly at you with a sneer on her face? Well, does she?

I know. It's a tough deal. Having in-laws who only tolerate you, their son-in-law or daughter-in-law. You can tell me the truth. I won't judge or condemn you. We are all open. Friendly and understanding people.

One more tough question: In all of the unwanted. Unneeded. Tormented acts, humiliation, brow-beatings, verbal beat-downs, and yes, the painful head-locks by Lance "The Bull" Hancock, have you ever secretly wanted to know of ways that you could fight back? And be somebody? Get your self-esteem back? In one piece? Without serving one day in jail? Well, friend. You are in luck. I just happen to have a few trusty ways that you can 'get over.' Get back. And get even. Legally. At your unfriendly in-laws.

Just remember,

when your father-in-law . . .

implies that you do not make enough money, strongly-but-nicely state, "at least my home is paid for!" Or to reply to his statement that this 'little girl,' should have married Jimmy Tom Taylor, just smile and softly say, "oh, the guy with the criminal record for selling drugs." Your father-in-law may grimace. Growl. And not like you, but hey, can it hurt any worse? He doesn't care for you that much as it is.

when your mother-in-law . . .

snaps at you and 'acts' friendly when other family members get near to you and her in the kitchen, just say, "hey, ma, do that impression you were just doing of a hypocrite," that will shut her up. Teach her a thing or two. And show her that you do have a backbone. Or when she politely tells your wife, her daughter that Jimmy Tom Taylor called, smile and ask, "oh, honey, (your wife), is he the one who works on the sanitation truck? You may not get anymore pork chops, but she will not mess with you anymore. Your mother-in-law, not your sweetie of a wife.

when your brother-in-law . . .

Lance "The Bull" Hancock, puts you in a painful head lock, politely say, "oh, uh, Lance, I read an article in American Psychiatry magazine last week stating that men who wrestle are over-compensating for being 'short' in the private areas of their lives. This will put the fear of God in his brutish mind. And if Lance passes you another hot biscuit, catch it, and then slam it to the floor with an end zone celebration dance. Lance will be so freaked at your comeback that he will never hit you with a 'long biscuit' bomb again. But won't his embarrass Lance, you ask? Yes. But look at all the stupid, uncalled-for head-locks he hurt you with. Payback. Use it.

when you sister-in-law . . .

spouts off at you (with a sneer on her face) about all the guys in your wife's past who are still eligible, take a bite of ham. Turkey. Roast. Chew. Swallow. And reply, "Yeah, dear (to your wife), aren't those the guys we saw in that special on Spike last night about members of gangs in Chicago?" This one remark will stifle your sister-in-law. For good. So what if she doesn't like you? Does it really matter?

Here are some more

Useful Bits of In-law Wisdom That You Can Use . . .

If your wife has a sister . . .who is a stunner. A knock-out. A girl who makes Kathy Lee Gifford look plain. Just pretend she looks like Roseanne Barr. It is very dangerous to be near. Get close. To a Bo Derrik "10" sister-in-law. Stay your distance. And if, to make matters worse, she is a terrible flirt, do not come near her. At all.

If your sweet wife has an alcoholic uncle . . .who loves to fight, just run. From him. Do not fight with a drunk man. Or woman. Sure, you will win. Hands-down. But you will look like you're taking advantage of someone who is unable to defend themselves, so look cool. Be cool. Even if it means running from Uncle J.W., the ex-Navy Seal who loves to guzzle Jack Daniels black label--straight.

If your lovely wife has a loud-mouth aunt . . .who verbally snips at you each time you see her. Next time she tears into you, start talking wild. Out of your head. And the icing on the cake, do some preparation work. Memorize some tough physics questions to ask her in front of everyone. This should take care of that motor-mouth--giving you some peace of mind.

Dealing with in-laws can be treacherous. If you don't know how to handle them. But do give them the benefit of the doubt. It could be that they do not know any better. But if their constant belittling, insulting, and physical attacks get to you, you are well within your rights to defend your honor.

Be a man. Or woman. No one likes a wimp. A worm. A wet noodle.

And always keep in the back of your mind that if one or all of these useful tips work for you, they might turn from 'in-laws,' to 'out-laws.'

As in . . .out of your live.