Questions NOT to ask an I.R.S. Representative at Your Audit

living in frustration and fear because you received "the" most powerful, feared letter that could ever be sent: Your letter from the I.R.S. telling you that you are going to be audited for a certain year and upon reading this letter, you almost faint.

Who wouldn't faint? It has been said that the I.R.S. wields more power than the F.B.I. or even the President of the United States. Only the C.I.A. has more power.

Consider this a free self-help guide to help you with this dreaded-day rolls around. This guide will tell you

1. What clothes to wear to your audit.
2. What to say and certainly what not to say or ask the I.R.S. agent when you are being audited.
3. How to present yourself.
4. How to remain calm at the I.R.S. agent's straight-forward questions.

• A plain pantsuit or skirt ensemble, but nothing flashy and flirty. The I.R.S. agent is not there to be bribed with sexual favors, but to be respected by you and maybe by respecting him or her, you might catch a break.
• No a lot of make-up. Moderate eyeliner, foundation, is the key. You do not want to come off looking like a highly-paid prostitute for the agent's red flag will suddenly pop-up sending him signals that you make more money than you claimed on your tax report.
• No flashy jewelry. This is another dangerous signal to be sent to the I.R.S. agent.
• No sexy high heels, just plain flats (cannot be I said that) on your feet.

• No open-front shirts revealing a hairy-chest. No I.R.S. agent, female or male appreciates a throwback to the Disco Era, so dress in moderate sport clothes, a nice three-piece suit, but not too expensive-looking. You want to be seen as an average taxpayer, not a "weekend celebrity"
• No shorts like those worn by Jimmy Buffet. That will get you off on the wrong foot and that is not a good place to be with the I.R.S.
• Flip-flops are out. Wear sensible shoes such as loafers, lace-up slippers and such. Look like a responsible man.
• Just a tee-shirt and cut-off jeans will get you a hefty fine by the I.R.S. agent because (as in the women's case) he is to be respected because he is not there to harass you, but help you.

What not to say to the I.R.S. agent - for men and women

1. Hey, doll. How ya' doing? - Do not say this if you are a man or woman
2. My name is "G.G Blaze," I pole dance for a living - girls, the I.R.S. agent already knows this. He, the agent, might have frequented your club in his off-time.
3. Hi, bud! Care for a cigarette? - Please, men. Do not start off your audit like this.
4. Do you think I am famous? - And this, I beg of you men, do not say this because the I.R.S. agent might deem you stupid.

Questions not to ask the I.R.S. agent - for men and women

• Care to walk me to the ladies room? Bad start, ladies. The I.R.S. agent will be glad to show you how to get to the restroom, but do not ask him to take you there.
• Does this short-skirt make my thighs look fat? - Women, you know better. Just what if the I.R.S. agent is gay, then what will you do?
• Does the two-million my aunt left me count as income? - Men, are you really that dumb?
• If I turn in some of my friends who are really cheating you guys, will you give me some slack?

is not to be trifled with. They are all about no-nonsense tax work and if some taxpayers get a little bold with not filing on certain lucrative land deals, well, the I.R.S. knows how to deal with them.

The I.R.S. has the power to

1. Raid your home or business and secure cars, tax, income records, land, livestock.
2. Go back as far as they want in your tax-reportings, so do things right and you will breathe easier.
3. Question you about any deduction they want.

Things the I.R.S. will not tolerate

1. A loud-mouth who talks non-stop at the audit.
2. Abrasive talk such as profane words aimed at the I.R.S. agent and his bosses.
3. Threats. Now this, "Mr. Foolish Thinker," will get you in hot water fast with the I.R.S. and Homeland Security.
4. Girls and guys making-out in the I.R.S. agent's presence.
5. Open or secret attempts to bribe the I.R.S. agent. This one carries a hefty jail sentence.
6. Unqualified "lawyers," who know as much about the I.R.S. and Federal Tax laws as a common tree.
7. Unpunctual people who were to be at the audit by 9 a.m. sharp, but show-up nearing 11 a.m. and offering no excuse, just a goofy smile on their faces.
8. Taxpayers who are obviously under the influence of drugs or booze.
9. Uncooperative taxpayers.

NOTE: Keep this story handy just in case you are sent a letter of audit by the I.R.S. I am only trying to help many innocent taxpayers avoid a nasty arrest and jail sentence levied by the I.R.S.

And by the way, "I.R.S. and all of your employees . . . I love you all!"